Oh Canada! Please be Patient


You’ve always been a patient nation. You don’t get pissed off when we win the Stanley Cup with mostly Canadian players; you understand when the average American can’t name half of your provinces; and you don’t seem to mind that we’ve pretty much claimed Michael J Fox as one of our own. But we are nervous; you’ve never been tested like this before, and there are few Americans who don’t sympathize with you, who don’t want to stand on Peace Bridge and scream north, “We know! We Know! We’re so sorry! Honest to Ottawa, we’re so freaking sorry!”

Politics aside, trade agreements aside, we apologize (and yes, I’m speaking for all Americans because this one is so blatantly clear) for djt’s rudeness, flippant attitude, crass words, irreverent approach, cowardly tweets, moronic understanding of relations, childish approach to discussions (patience please, I’m almost done), bullying tactics, short-sighted understanding, well…you get the point. We are sorry.

It is frustrating to see Mr. Trudeau act with such professionalism, such grace and diplomacy, and know had any single other human been in the office of the president, things would be fine. Anyone—honest, throw a snowball across International Falls and anyone it hits would have been better. We can sense your frustration as well. Mr. Trudeau is acting with obvious restraint because he knows in just two years we can purge this pathetic piece of moose dung out of office and reboot our relationship.

But at this point on the close side of the summer of ’18, the fall of 2020 seems impossibly distant, as long as a Yukon winter. So, please, we implore you to be patient just a little while longer. In the meantime, please understand most Americans have not lost our admiration for your people and your peaceful ways.

America hasn’t changed our desire to be best friends with you. Truly. We just are going through a phase right now—to put an elegant title on this dark period of our country, let’s call it the “years when this embarrassing thug of a cowardly piece of crap was president” time. It will be over soon and we can again appreciate how important we are to each other and how we won’t take you for granted again.


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